Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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