I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
