he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
