Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
