I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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