everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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