I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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