my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize