When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
