All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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