grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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