He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
