Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
