My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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