Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
