I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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