Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
