I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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