She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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