please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
