It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
