i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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