my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
