I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
