I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
