I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
