And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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