Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
