I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
