I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize