I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
