Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
