Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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