If that was your dad, he is hot
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
