If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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