I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
