The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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