I'd wear matching sweaters with you
there's paper in my vomit.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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