Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
