Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This baby is an asshole
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
