It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
