She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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