my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You need Xanax blowdarts
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
