is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
