This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
