i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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