I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
