two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
