Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
