I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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