he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
