My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My vagina just recognized that song.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
