I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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