i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
