I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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