hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
