So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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