I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
