Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We have started to decorate penises.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
