just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
