Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
