Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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