I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
