Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
