so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
In other news, I just burned my penis
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
