Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
